My Depression: One Year Later

Dear Friend,

It's been one year since I had a breakdown and slid into a near infantile state for a month. Friends and family brought meals and took turns caring for our children while I slept for 15 hours at a time. My face and hands felt numb. At first I needed help to walk to the bathroom. On a good day, I would sit in my rocking chair on the front porch and stare at my flowers. I couldn't read more than a line or two at a time. New information made me feel very tired. I found it difficult to make simple decisions.

Healing from depression doesn't happen overnight. It's been a long, tough climb out of a dark hole these last several months. I feel wiser and stronger now, but I'm aware that I'm still vulnerable in some respects. At the beginning of this summer I struggled a bit. My husband and I were concerned that I was headed back down into the darkness. I felt as though I was standing close to the edge of a crumbling embankment.

We had to regroup and take a close look at what things were stressing me too much. I made some hard choices for the sake of my health, but I can say with confidence: I'm getting better about saying no when I need to say no and I'm caring less about how things appear to bystanders.

I'm living life differently now -- imperfectly -- but differently. I'm more careful with my heart, my time, my friendships, and my health. I'm deliberately making space for a slower, more peaceful lifestyle.

Currently that means that while much of my family is out having exciting adventures in the wide world this summer, I'll be staying close to home.

I'm heeding my doctor's advice.

"What weighs on you most?" she asked. 

"I can't keep up with our lifestyle and I don't want to disappoint my kids."

"Your kids don't need you to do everything with them. They just need you to be there for them. That's all you have to do. Of course you care for their basic needs -- beyond that just be available to listen and encourage them. That is what they need most from you. The rest -- all the extra stuff that people run all over the place for -- isn't necessary. If it stresses you, don't do it. Just be there."

So when I start to feel frustrated with myself for being a tortoise in a world of hares, I try to recall my doctor's words. I'm learning to accept help when it is offered. I'm grateful for the village of support that has been there for my whole family. Our community has blessed all our lives. We've made some wonderful bonds through this!

I had been considering writing about this topic when I came upon this post by Elizabeth Mallory. You can follow the hashtag she created on Twitter: #yesIstruggle

Have you ever struggled with depression? How are you now? Feel free to tell me as much as you feel comfortable sharing in the comments below.

Love & Prayers,

Adriana