I'm walking again!

Dear Friends,

Where to begin?

It's been so long since I've posted anything that I'm not sure if anyone will even read this!

After months of recovery, I'm now back on my feet and moving forward. Last week I walked a mile for the first time since my surgery -- and let me tell you -- It felt like an enormous accomplishment. I could not believe how sore and tired I felt after I finished. I soaked in a chamomile epsom salt bath until the water was cold! But the experience of walking down a country road fills my senses in a way nothing else can. I've missed it very much.

Since then I've walked the same route every day. Each time I feel a little less sore and a little bit stronger! Still, I bought three bags of epsom salts at the grocery store to be prepared for the worst aches and pains.

You can expect my quest to focus on healthy living in the coming months because that is what I'm into presently. A year of therapy has helped me emerge from a debilitating depression. My feet have been reshaped by my surgeon and restored by time. Now I'm eager to more forward to a stronger, brighter future.

You can also expect me to write more about educating children. I'm now homeschooling my daughters, ages twelve and three years, and of course I still help my three sons with homework in the evenings -- a task that can take up to two hours!

Hope all is well in your corner of the world.

Your busy, yet happy friend,

Adriana

P.S. I just started the last book on my WEM fiction list: Possession by A.S. Byatt. Looking forward to starting autobiographies soon!

My Experience with Bill Gothard's Cult

Click here to see what I'm making. 

Dear Friend,

I feel lighter after mentioning the cult I was brought up with in yesterday's post. I've known for a while I would start discussing it in the blogosphere eventually -- but as the saying goes, "The dread is worse than the doing." 

Half way through writing that post I thought, "It's time. Spit it out now!" 

It matters to me how I phrase things. I've tried to say, "I was raised in a cult," and that's not right. I was raised in a home -- a loving home. My spirit and creativity was mostly encouraged. I was rarely depressed as a young person. I was protected. My parents were not abusive. For the most part they used Bill Gothard's material as a tool. Whenever we had disagreements, we would come together and try to find the "root cause" of our conflicts as Gothard had showed us to do. None of this was harmful.

I was influenced by a cult leader for many of my formative years -- I'll put it that way.

You might think of the Duggar family when you read about ATI homeschooling, but that wasn't us. I was the oldest of four. We dressed in our long skirts for the big Knoxville conference in the early 90s, but at home I was allowed to wear pants. Rock music and most movies were not allowed, but I had plenty of aunts and uncles who occasionally let me break a few rules when I visited their homes. I wasn't completely culturally illiterate! 

Classical music was allowed, though my parents and siblings didn't have a taste for it. Oddly, I turned to our local classical radio station as a way to assert my independence. Beethoven, Mozart, and Chopin were my teenage heartthrobs! Even now I have to be in the mood for music with a back beat. It's not my native sound.

Though my parents attended Gothard's seminars 13 times, I was only homeschooled for the last three years of high school. Before that I attended public grade school and a private middle school. Once we started homeschooling, most of my education became self-directed. I went to one Basic Seminar. I never attended an Advanced Seminar.

The real danger for me was how I was indoctrinated by Gothard's ideology when I was old enough to leave my family and go away for short jaunts to serve in his ministry. I was coaxed into making commitments I didn't fully understand. I took his teachings to heart and became quite prideful about what I considered to be my superior spiritual understanding. 

So that's where I'll try to pick up next time -- my first trip abroad with 100 other students and Bill Gothard.

Hope you are well!

Blessings,

Adriana

Finding Courage to Send My Kids Back to School

My son, who just turned six.

About the time I was finishing up my "Classics and the Bible Sundays" post on Friday, the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary occurred. The post is saved and I'll most likely put it up next Sunday.

But this morning, my mind is plagued with two pressing questions:

How am I going to find the composure to talk to my older kids about what happened?

How am I going to find the courage to put them on the school bus tomorrow morning?

Our family is relatively new to public school. About this time last year -- just before my fifth baby was born, we stopped homeschooling. I believe I can still clearly recall how I would have reacted to this event when I was a homeschooler: stunned and deeply saddened, but also, relieved that my kids were home with me and "safe".

But God is not calling me to a false sense of security; He is calling me to trust Him. Through this tragedy, I am now entering into a profound sense of empathy with other parents all over this nation.

We don't know what tomorrow holds.

Even still, we must reach forward with hope.

The following is a statement from Jimmy Greene, whose daughter, Ana Marquez-Greene,  was slain at Sandy Hook Elementary on Friday:

As we work through this nightmare, we’re reminded how much we’re loved and supported on this earth and by our Father in heaven. As much as she’s needed here and missed by her mother, brother and me, Ana beat us all to paradise. I love you sweetie girl.

Tomorrow morning I will hug my kids as I always do. I will say what I always say --

Go with God, children.

When the bus pulls up I will take my heart and place it on that big yellow bus. My children and I will wave to each other until we disappear from each other's sight.

And the only way I am going to be able to do it is through the love and support of my Father in heaven. Thank you, Jimmy Greene, for reminding me of this.

(Please take the time to click on his name and read the "Message" page, which was part of his professional website before this tragic event occurred.)

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."—         Philippians 4:13

The Greene Family. Ana is on the right. (via)

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

Much love to all,

Adriana

Happenings: Why I'm Not Homeschooling My Kids

My classical quest has truly come to feel like a physical quest to me --  you know the storybook kind with lots of hills, valleys and dark forests. This summer, I've struggled to stay on the path. There have been more than a few obstacles to overcome. 

At this moment I feel as though I'm standing on a pinnacle looking back over the last several months. 

Last winter, two weeks before my fifth baby was born, we put our oldest two kids in public school. Before this event, public school was never an option. I really thought we would homeschool until all our chicks left the nest. Long after it stopped working for us, I kept chanting, "I will work HARDER!" over and over. (Have you ever read Animal Farm, by George Orwell? There was an old work horse who always said, "I will work HARDER!" whenever things went awry. Eventually he was sent to the glue factory. I've always related to this character for some disconcerting reason.)

To be perfectly honest, when my kids were home they weren't always being schooled. My long, rough bout with morning sickness caused everyone to fall far behind. At eight months pregnant, I  often fell asleep during their lessons. My pre-school aged kids watched too much Netflix. I felt guilty for taking any rest during the day. It seemed the whole future of civilization depended on whether or not I could hold things together! (Indeed, a lot of homeschool moms feel this way; I've known some to crack under the pressure.) My husband came home to a frazzled wife every day. On days when we got a good bit of school work done, the house was a wreck and dinner was frozen pizza. On days when there was a nice home-cooked meal and a reasonably clean house, school didn't happen.

Homeschooling was a hard thing for me to give up. You could say I was "beating a dead horse" and I didn't stop beating it until after the horse had been dead so long it was beginning to stink. That's when my husband sat down with me. He gently grasped both my hands, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "We are going to put the kids in public school and they are going to be fine."

I'm very grateful to the homeschool movement for bringing classical self-education back into vogue.  I wonder if I would be on this quest now if it were not for my homeschool connections. Part of me will always be a homeschool mom at heart. My husband and I talk frequently about the possibility of bringing our older children home in the future -- but for now we are simply taking it a year at at time.

One thing is for certain, my children's public school teachers rescued us last year. I have immense appreciation for them now. When (and if) we homeschool again, I will not do it out of fear. ("I must protect my kids from the system.") And hopefully I won't do it in a spirit of pride. ("I can do a better job than my local school teachers can.") I feel sorry for the judgmental feelings I used to have about anything public school related and I feel sad that I have been guilty of showing disappointment toward families who "gave up" and put their kids into the system in the past.

Some have expressed surprise and even consternation over our schooling decision. I don't really owe anyone an explanation, but as a blog author with a loyal following, I feel as though it is time to communicate some reasoning and clear up the misconception that I put my kids into a brick & mortar school so I could have more time for myself -- for reading through the classics and self-education. We didn't put them in for that reason, but now that they are in, yes, obviously I have more time for writing and reading! Also, I have more time to prepare meals for seven people, keep up on housework and have precious one-on-one time with my two little ones who are still at home!

What has this leg of the journey taught me? Humility, empathy and perseverance -- in that order.

What is your life-quest teaching you?