Yesterday I crushed on a house.
Today news came: it's going to someone else.
Thankfully there's a mazurka for that.
Penned by Chopin in his youth;
I pound into my old black Baldwin
Until my soul feels young and light again.
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Friday, August 19, 2016
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Postcard From My Quest
I hope you are having a summer full of wonder!
All is well here. Enjoying daily adventures with my family; relishing joy and peace. I'm scheduled to have my second foot surgery soon. Looking forward to getting that out of the way and moving forward to a stronger, healthier future.
More to come from Classical Quest!
Longer letter later! :-)
Love,
A
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
My Experience with Bill Gothard's Cult
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| Click here to see what I'm making. |
Dear Friend,
I feel lighter after mentioning the cult I was brought up with in yesterday's post. I've known for a while I would start discussing it in the blogosphere eventually -- but as the saying goes, "The dread is worse than the doing."
Half way through writing that post I thought, "It's time. Spit it out now!"
It matters to me how I phrase things. I've tried to say, "I was raised in a cult," and that's not right. I was raised in a home -- a loving home. My spirit and creativity was mostly encouraged. I was rarely depressed as a young person. I was protected. My parents were not abusive. For the most part they used Bill Gothard's material as a tool. Whenever we had disagreements, we would come together and try to find the "root cause" of our conflicts as Gothard had showed us to do. None of this was harmful.
I was influenced by a cult leader for many of my formative years -- I'll put it that way.
You might think of the Duggar family when you read about ATI homeschooling, but that wasn't us. I was the oldest of four. We dressed in our long skirts for the big Knoxville conference in the early 90s, but at home I was allowed to wear pants. Rock music and most movies were not allowed, but I had plenty of aunts and uncles who occasionally let me break a few rules when I visited their homes. I wasn't completely culturally illiterate!
Classical music was allowed, though my parents and siblings didn't have a taste for it. Oddly, I turned to our local classical radio station as a way to assert my independence. Beethoven, Mozart, and Chopin were my teenage heartthrobs! Even now I have to be in the mood for music with a back beat. It's not my native sound.
Though my parents attended Gothard's seminars 13 times, I was only homeschooled for the last three years of high school. Before that I attended public grade school and a private middle school. Once we started homeschooling, most of my education became self-directed. I went to one Basic Seminar. I never attended an Advanced Seminar.
The real danger for me was how I was indoctrinated by Gothard's ideology when I was old enough to leave my family and go away for short jaunts to serve in his ministry. I was coaxed into making commitments I didn't fully understand. I took his teachings to heart and became quite prideful about what I considered to be my superior spiritual understanding.
So that's where I'll try to pick up next time -- my first trip abroad with 100 other students and Bill Gothard.
Hope you are well!
Blessings,
Adriana
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Can We Talk While I Make Soup?
Dear Friend,
A couple weeks ago I stood in the produce section of the grocery store with cotton balls in my throbbing ears.
What meals will I make? I scanned the room, then meandered over to the organic section and began to analyze the offerings.
Soup. Just soup until I feel like eating something else!
I selected ingredients for five batches of my current favorites: Borscht, Seafood Chowder, Bean with Bacon, Beef and Barley, and Thai Chicken with Rice.
I love the entire soup-making process. You could say it's my thing. I usually listen to an audio book while I chop vegetables. Sometimes I let my little ones help me with the peeling.
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| Borscht |
A couple of my friends are on my heart right now -- Heidi lost her eleven year old son recently; Tracey has Adult Respiratory Distress Syndrome and is fighting for her life in ICU. Now and then as I'm going about my normal daily tasks, I suddenly feel a jab of sorrow and pray: God, help my friends!
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| Seafood Chowder |
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| Bean with Bacon |
I've recently come to the startling realization that for most of my formative years I was influenced by a cult leader.
This information feels both painful and liberating. It's taking me some time to sort things out.
I used to be so sure about every facet of life: what I should and should not wear, listen to, say, believe, be, do. Looking back I can see that gradually through the years I've shed many things -- like a reptile shedding scales. Some ideas have dropped off almost without my notice, others have been painfully removed, as if a scale has been ripped out leaving a raw bleeding spot in its place.
Up until recent news made me face the full reality, I viewed the cult leader as a distant grandfather figure -- someone I didn't agree with on every point, but someone safe and well-meaning -- certainly not what he was. Like many people, I didn't see the obvious.
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| Beef and Barley |
Now I'd even go so far to say it's not for anybody!
I keep having this sensation like I'm skydiving. It's both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.
"The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know."
~Albert Einstein
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| Thai Chicken with Rice |
Ann Voskamp's blog has been helping me a lot lately.
This post by Keri Wyatt Kent has also helped. I love the line she has said to her kids through the years: "I love the person you are becoming." I've made a point of saying that to each of my kids lately. It's good for them and cathartic for me. I don't have to be afraid; I don't have to micromanage your soul. I love the person you are becoming!
These words imply that the future is bright—that I have great hope that they will grow into themselves. It says: you haven’t arrived yet, but I’m trusting the process. It reminds them that they are growing up and they are not you—that crucial process of differentiation that is essential for maturity. It also tells them that they don’t have to be just like mom or dad, or just like their older sibling. It simply says, You are becoming your own person, and that’s a good thing. It’s a way of telling them, “I believe in you!” without sounding quite so cheesy. I think it’s a phrase that instills confidence. And makes me feel more confident as a parent–even when it’s hard to let go.
Well now, I've got a lot off my chest today, haven't I!
Thanks for being there to help me process stuff.
Love,
Adriana
Friday, January 31, 2014
A Tasty Writing Tip from Madeleine L' Engle
Dear Friend,
In Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art, Madeleine L' Engle likened her process for writing books to cooking a meal like a French peasant cook:
When I start working on a book, which is usually several years and several books before I start to write it, I am somewhat like a French peasant cook. There are several pots on the back of the stove, and as I go by doing the day's work, I drop a carrot in one, an onion in another, a chunk of meat in another. When it comes time to prepare the meal, I take the pot which is most nearly full and bring it to the front of the stove.
So it is with writing. There are several pots on those back burners. An idea for a scene goes into one, a character into another. When it comes time to write, I bring forward the pot that has the most is it. The dropping in of ideas is something quite conscious; sometimes it happens without my realizing it. I look, and something has been added which is just what I need, but I don't remember when it was added.
When it is time to start work, I look at everything in the pot, sort, arrange, think about character and story line. Most of this part of the work is done consciously, but then there comes a moment of unself-consciousness, of letting go and serving the work.
Can you drizzle a little oil in and saute an onion today?
Some day we will say "Bon Appetit!"
Love,
Adriana
P.S. My friend Krista Bjorn is experiencing the fruition of some lifelong dreams right now: a book deal, her own store, and a secret garden! Read about it here.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
A Story of a Life in Three Quilts
Dear Friend,
I've written another guest post! It's about a legacy that was passed down to me in the form of three quilts. My kind friend Jeannie Prinsen has posted it on her blog, "Little House on the Circle."
You can read it here.
While you're there take some time to explore other posts by Jeannie. She shares reflections about faith, family life, special needs children, reading, writing, and other fascinating topics. I visit her blog frequently to glean rich insights and be encouraged.
Peace & Joy,
Adriana
Friday, June 7, 2013
About the Bench in My New Header
I thought I'd put down a few words about my new header. I've received some nice compliments on it. Thank you all very much. I love this bench. I imagine I'm not alone; I'm sure many people from my city love it too!
Eleven years ago, when I was pregnant with my first child, I had intense morning sickness. It lasted 24 hours a day for months. I became very weak and discouraged. It just when on and on and on.
It was winter. My husband and I lived in a basement apartment. I loved to read before I became pregnant, but to my horror I found that reading made the nausea worse. I spent most of my time dozing on a hand-me-down, hide-a-bed couch in a dim, musty room.
One day I became fixated on an idea: I had to get to the conservatory in our city. I had to breath in the fragrant air! I had to be near green growing things!
I mentioned the idea to my husband one night. He was working long hours during that time. The conservatory was about an hour drive into the city. He promised to take me on the weekend. I counted the days.
I remember the feeling when I walked into that spacious place, teeming with life and light! The air was warm, clean, and sweet. I think I had convinced myself that if I could just get there, my morning sickness would disappear -- and of course it didn't. But being there still did me a world of good! I walked slowly back to a quiet corner where I found the bench. I sat down alone. Before long, I was curled into the fetal position -- fast asleep.
I don't know if anyone walked past me while I slept there. When my husband approached me, I woke up. We meandered around the conservatory for a while. I didn't want to leave. As we stepped out into the frozen street, the contrast felt brutal. I vomited in the parking lot.
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| "He maketh me to lie down in green pastures." Psalm 23:2 |
My husband and I recently took our fourth son to the conservatory for a special event. I sought out my bench and took a couple pictures.
Do you have a special place that has provided you with comfort and rest during a difficult time?
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Finding Courage to Send My Kids Back to School
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| My son, who just turned six. |
About the time I was finishing up my "Classics and the Bible Sundays" post on Friday, the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary occurred. The post is saved and I'll most likely put it up next Sunday.
But this morning, my mind is plagued with two pressing questions:
How am I going to find the composure to talk to my older kids about what happened?
How am I going to find the courage to put them on the school bus tomorrow morning?
Our family is relatively new to public school. About this time last year -- just before my fifth baby was born, we stopped homeschooling. I believe I can still clearly recall how I would have reacted to this event when I was a homeschooler: stunned and deeply saddened, but also, relieved that my kids were home with me and "safe".
But God is not calling me to a false sense of security; He is calling me to trust Him. Through this tragedy, I am now entering into a profound sense of empathy with other parents all over this nation.
We don't know what tomorrow holds.
Even still, we must reach forward with hope.
The following is a statement from Jimmy Greene, whose daughter, Ana Marquez-Greene, was slain at Sandy Hook Elementary on Friday:
As we work through this nightmare, we’re reminded how much we’re loved and supported on this earth and by our Father in heaven. As much as she’s needed here and missed by her mother, brother and me, Ana beat us all to paradise. I love you sweetie girl.
Tomorrow morning I will hug my kids as I always do. I will say what I always say --
Go with God, children.
When the bus pulls up I will take my heart and place it on that big yellow bus. My children and I will wave to each other until we disappear from each other's sight.
And the only way I am going to be able to do it is through the love and support of my Father in heaven. Thank you, Jimmy Greene, for reminding me of this.
(Please take the time to click on his name and read the "Message" page, which was part of his professional website before this tragic event occurred.)
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."— Philippians 4:13
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| The Greene Family. Ana is on the right. (via) |
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7
Much love to all,
Adriana
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
An Essay I Wrote at Age 12: "Hopes for My Life and World"
An Essay I Wrote at Age Twelve
"Hopes for My Life and World"
First off I think I should get a job, nothing drastic, maybe something like a waitress for a restaurant. I do think this is important during my teen years because I don't think I should depend entirely upon my parents and I don't think they would want me to either.
Also while I'm young I would like to have some of my writing published and if I'm lucky I'll make a little money off of that.
One of my greatest hopes is to become a professional pianist. I have always loved music and it is very enjoyable for me to play. I would also like to learn to play the violin.
I do plan on getting married. I'm willing to wait for the perfect time because I would never rush into a life long disision [sic] such as marriage.
I also want a house if I have to get a small one at first it doesn't matter I will take it step by step.
After I'm married I would like to have children, the number doesn't matter I have always loved children and I wouldn't mind having them.
Maybe in my free time I would like to teach piano lessons, because I like to teach and I love the piano.
I want to travel very much, although if I ever do it, it will probubly [sic] be when my kids are grown and married. The place I want to go to the most is Vienne [sic] Austria.
I know that while I grow and change the world is growing and changing too. I hope these changes will be good. That young people would not be influenced by evil. That the leaders of the countries would be strong in good beliefs, and the people would learn to be more mercyful [sic] and understanding.
A Letter to My Twelve Year Old Self (at age 36)
Dear Twelve Year Old Self,
You will get a job, when you are fourteen. Your mother will take you to get a worker's permit and you will wash heaps and heaps of dishes at your uncle's food commissary. You will work many hours in the summer. You will enjoy being in the midst of your aunt and uncles who work there too. Eventually, your grandmother will teach you how to mix the spices for the secret recipes.
You will have some of your writing published, but that won't happen until you are nineteen, after you have traveled abroad three times (on your hard earned dollars from the commissary and love gifts from friends and family). You will be commissioned to write a book of moral lessons for a children's ministry. You will be given a check for $250. You will take the check to the commissary office and have a copy made for a keepsake because it means you are officially a writer.
You will read a short article about Eliza Lucas Pinckney and you will become intrigued. You will begin to compile research on her. Soon you will have amassed so much material that you will decide to go to college to see if someone there can help you figure out what to do with it all. Besides you will be feeling lonely for other people to discuss your passions with. You will find out however, that most other people are not there for the same reasons you are.
Unfortunately, you will always be too introverted to play the piano much in public, but that will cease to bother you over time. Many of your piano students will perform however. One of them will go on to study at a conservatory of music after learning the basics from you. He will honor you in his final recital along with his master instructor. He will say something like "you introduced me to the love of piano". He will major in "public performance" in college.
The desire to play the violin is just a passing fancy. You will hardly ever think of it again.
You will meet a cowboy.
At first you won't be interested in him, but over time he will begin to win your heart with his honesty and integrity. One special Valentine's Day, he will give you your first kiss on a red sofa, a moment after your grandmother steps out of the room.
You will get married.
Many of your piano students will come to your wedding. You will insist that a piano be placed in the middle of the reception hall so that your students can play their favorite music for the wedding guests.You will live with your husband -- first in a basement apartment, then a small farm house. At last you live in the house of your dreams, where you hope to grow old.
Six weeks after you are married, you will find out you are pregnant. You will take a long walk and pray a long prayer of thankfulness for this news. You will know deep inside that you are embarking upon the most important work you will ever do: mothering. On this walk you will ask God to give you five children in ten years.
And He will.
After you give birth to your fifth baby, you will take another long walk. You will say another long prayer of thanksgiving. You will call that day, "The First Day of the Rest of My Life".
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AnonymousAugust 10, 2012 5:49 AMBeautiful essay, beautiful response. I am blessed to have seen these hopes for your life, if not for your world, become reality. Thanks for posting this. JeniReplyDelete
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I would like to introduce everyone to my dear friend Jeni, whom you can see zipping up my wedding dress in the above photo. I met her the year after I wrote "Hopes for My Life and World". She took me under her wing and taught me how to survive private school. I recently enjoyed some time with her a few weeks ago when she was visiting the States from her home in Europe. She gave me the flowers which I used for my post "Spend Out".Delete
Love you Jeni. (Did you noticed I used the word "whom", both in this comment & in my recent Classical Quest post? I told you I wouldn't forget! That's 2 points now.) -
AnonymousAugust 12, 2012 4:21 AMThanks, Adriana! I can always count on you to make me smile. I thank God for allowing our paths to not just cross, but for them to be parallel at times. As a missionary kid adjusting to American life and trying (in vain) to be cool and fit in, being with you gave me such a different perspective on life. Thank you for being original and true to yourself. BTW, I am anonymous because I don't know how to just post my name.Delete
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Wow, I do not even remember one assignment from 6th grade. Love your reply and learning a bit more about you.ReplyDelete
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Sandy B.August 10, 2012 9:43 AMI loved reading this. So beautifully done. : ) I must say, you were a wise 12-year-old!ReplyDelete
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Truly touching. Although maybe your 12-year-old self doesn't need a reminder of the errors in her essay--I would imagine the teacher took care of that. ;)ReplyDelete
Came over from MMD. Really enjoyed this; thank you.
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Quite graciously, my teacher, Mrs. Jones, did not correct any errors for this one. She just put one small check mark at the top of the page: assignment complete.Delete
I just realized -- with a chill -- she might have DRASTICALLY ALTERED THE COURSE OF MY LIFE if she had cut loose and splattered the whole thing with red ink! I'm sure the paper would have ended up crumpled in the trash can and long forgotten! I'm glad you commented on this because you've prompted me to try to find her. I think she would like to know the long term outcome of her assignment!
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Oh my word, that was beautiful Adriana. Adding the detail that the couch was red was a perfect touch, so deft. And 5 kids in 10 years? Gutsy prayer! What blessings God has brought you.ReplyDelete
Tim
P.S. New guest post up at Laura's Enough Light blog. (Linked it through my name above.) Hope you get a chance to take a look. -
AnonymousAugust 10, 2012 12:51 PMThis just gives me chills. Thanks for sharing! Bonnie LinkReplyDelete
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Thank you all for your kind words. A few days ago, I was fretting b/c I wanted to participate in Anne's blog carnival but I found myself with very little time to retrace my life story. Suddenly I realized half the post had already been written 24yrs. ago! Whew! The rest fell into place in less than an hour! My kids enjoyed digging into old photos with me. :)ReplyDelete
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Very beautiful, Adriana. Thank you for sharing. Your honest prayers and hopes as you began your marriage are encouraging to me as I begin mine.ReplyDelete
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How lovely, Adriana. :-) Truly amazing that you had these dreams of yours to look back on and delight in. How FUN to see your deepest dreams come true. Love it. :-)ReplyDelete
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Oh, thank you so much for stopping by my blog and letting me know about this beautiful life-story filled post, Adriana! I had no clue that a little blog post of my own would, a year later nonetheless, spark the idea for you to share your beautiful story with us all in the blogosphere.ReplyDelete
Much love and more beautiful life to you,
Sarah Elizabeth
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:) Sarah -- I told you I would let you know when I wrote the post -- though I didn't imagine it would take over a year for me to get around to it! (My old blog was Live Laugh Love Learn.) You were so sweet and encouraging when I first started blogging and of course I couldn't forget that!Delete
Blessings:)
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