Photo Journal: Spring Silent Retreat

Dear Friend,

My kids are home for the summer and our days are currently full of summerish delights. I nearly forgot that I promised you some pictures of the silent retreat I took at a local Jesuit center last month. Such a peaceful, refreshing experience for my spirit! On the day of the retreat I was recovering from a minor foot injury; I wasn't able to hike down to the river like I did in the autumn. I did make an attempt, but nearly wiped out on the narrow stone path downhill.  So instead, I propped my feet on my folding chair and cuddled under my blanket with a good book. After a couple hours I hobbled back to the pavilion and ate some homemade peanut butter cookies -- the first since my son was diagnosed with a peanut allergy over two years ago! It was hard to eat those cookies silently without groaning with pleasure. I spent the second half of the event in a swing with my journal. The spring blossoms were lovely. I felt grateful for the allergy pill that made the whole event possible. 

Baby food jar candle holder -- a gift from my daughter. Perfectly portable.

Hope you can find some silent moments of refreshment today!
Peace & Joy,
Adriana

P.S. Here are the links to my "Silent Retreat Series" from last October:

Part One: Learning the Ropes and Getting Settled

Part Two: How to Use a Labyrinth as a Prayer Tool

Part Three: Pictures for You

Always Keep a Prayer on Your Lips

Dear Friend,

There is not in the world a kind of life more sweet and delightful, than that of a continual conversation with God; those only can comprehend it who practice and experience it.

~ from The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence

Years ago I overhead a conversation while in a dressing room in a department store. A grandmother and her young granddaughter were in the stall next to mine. 

Girl: "Grandma, I can say the Lord's Prayer! Do you want to hear it?"

Grandma: "Oh my! Why yes, I do!"

Our Father who art in heaven,

hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come.

Thy will be done

on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread,

and forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us,

and lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil.

Grandma: "Oh my pretty little precious baby! MmmMmmMmm" 

Girl: "I learned that in Sunday School." 

Grandma: "Always keep a prayer on your lips, Child."

Though I never spoke with them or even saw their faces, their conversation about prayer has stuck with me. I've often told my own children "Always keep a prayer on your lips." It's some of the best advice I can give. When a prayer is on our lips it's nearly impossible to fall into mischief! 

When he had failed in his duty [Brother Lawrence] only confessed his fault, saying to God, I shall never do otherwise, if You leave me to myself; it is You who must hinder my falling, and mend what is amiss. After this, he gave himself no further uneasiness about it.

How do we pray continually?

In order to form a habit of conversing with God continually, and referring all we do to Him we must at first apply to Him with some diligence: but that after a little care we should find His love inwardly excite us to it without any difficulty.

We ought to act with God in the greatest simplicity, speaking to Him frankly and plainly, and imploring His assistance in our affairs, just as they happen. 

Our only business [is] to love and delight ourselves in God.

We ought, once for all, heartily to put our whole trust in God, and make a total surrender of ourselves to Him, secure that He would not deceive us. 

I bless the LORD who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. Psalm 16:7-9

What advice, insights, or special memories can you share with me about prayer?

Peace & Joy,

Adriana

Wherever You Are . . .

Dear Friend,

At this moment I'm reading in front of this cozy fire. My baby girl is cuddled beside me sucking her thumb. Two of my boys are playing quietly on the rug. I'm thinking of a quote by Jim Elliot:

Wherever you are, be all there.

Sometimes that advice is challenging to follow. But not tonight. Tonight I'm "all there" enjoying this peaceful time.

Hope the rest of your weekend is blessed with peace and contentment.

With Love,
Adriana

Finding Freedom Beneath the Unclouded Night Sky

Hello dear friends,

Have you ever taken a long stroll in the night?

One night last week I went for a walk at around 3AM. At first it was a little creepy, but after a while, it was wonderful. I meandered along. There was no moon. The stars were brilliant. 

I recognized a couple constellations: Ursa Major and Ursa Minor. Ursa Major is also known as the Big Dipper. Before the Civil War, runaway slaves referred to it as the Drinking Gourd. I live in a place where runaways likely passed through the night on foot in pursuit of freedom in the North. They looked to the Drinking Gourd as a guide. It is a symbol of freedom.

Crickets chirped. Owls hooted. Deer barked as I approached their beds. I captured this picture of two bucks butting heads. They didn't notice me for a long time. I stood still, hidden in the shadows. So much to see and experience in the night time!

I thought about Jane Eyre. Last I saw her, she was curled up on the heath in darkness:

Night was come, and her planets were risen: a safe, still night: too serene for the companionship of fear. We know that God is everywhere; but certainly we feel His presence most when his works are on the grandest scale spread before us; and it is in the unclouded night-sky, where His worlds wheel their silent course, that we read clearest His infinitude, His omnipotence, His omnipresence.

If you are feeling stressed, overwhelmed, unable to rest -- perhaps a night walk will help you sort things out. 

When I got back from my ramble, I slept like a baby til morning.

Peace & Joy,
Adriana

Heart Matters

A cityscape is not something I see everyday. I took the picture below from a cardiologist's office. As soon as the nurse left the room, I turned off the light to reduce the glare from the window. My thought at this moment was: What in the world am I doing here?

I told you I took a month off from blogging to "square some things away." What I didn't tell you is that during that time I spent a night in a sleep lab, took a trip to the ER, visited my my doctor two times, wore a Holter monitor for 24 hours, and was given a stress test.

As it turns out, I have a heart condition called Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome. I won't go into all of the specifics. Basically my heart short circuits with every beat. It sounds scary and it can cause some issues (like fainting or sudden death), but the good news is -- there is a cure. At some point I will need to have an ablation. In the past this meant undergoing open heart surgery; now it's an  arthroscopic thing.

Sorry if these pictures seem redundant. It was hard to stop myself from taking pictures of this peony. It's been equally hard to decide which ones to share with you, so I'm giving you all my favorites. :)

I overheard my daughter mutter to herself, "My mom is in love with a flower."

In the mean time, I don't have many restrictions. Of course I should try to avoid things that might make my heart beat 300x a minute (like extreme sports or intense emotional stress). If I feel like I'm going to faint, I should call 911. I can still exercise moderately.

That's about it. I sit down to write about Oliver Twist and all I can think of is, " Oliver Twist is a good book. I like it."  It's hard to write about fiction when real life feels so very real.

I've been tossing around whether or not I should say something about this on the blog. This morning I finally decided that I should. This syndrome has been a major factor in my life story. It's always been there, behind the scenes, affecting some of the choices I have made. I don't really feel like this is bad news. It's just news -- really good information for me to have. I'm suddenly aware of how absolutely essential it is to have a prayerful life -- to cast all of my cares on God, to rest and trust in Him constantly.

Thank you for hanging in there with me, dear blog friends. Your encouragement is truly medicine for my heart. 

Much love to all.

Adriana

Friday Quote: One Insular Tahiti

…Consider them both, the sea and the land; and do you not find a strange analogy to something in yourself? For as this appalling ocean surrounds the verdant land, so in the soul of man there lies one insular Tahiti, full of peace and joy, but encompassed by all the horrors of the half known life.

Herman Melville, Moby-Dick 

Happy Birthday, Dear Bloggy! (Part Two)

This past Sunday was the one year blogoversary of Classical Quest! I've enjoyed looking back over some highlights of my journey thus far. In my previous post I reminisced about events from January to July 2012. In this post you'll find highlights from August 2012. Initially I intended to post a two part series, but it has now turned into three! Part Three will go up on Friday. A birth-week is really more appropriate anyway, since that's the way my kids like to celebrate!

Why do I bother baking cupcakes for my kids?
They would be happy with a bowl of icing and a jar of sprinkles!

August

Things were starting to go swimmingly. I finished a round of antibiotics after contracting a staph infection and I felt great. I began jogging again. I had learned quite a bit through trial and error about making the most of my days in order to fit my quest into my life. I was going to bed earlier and waking up at 5AM to read.

Kid's water shoes get frequent use around our place.

I did not post much here on Classical Quest during August. Instead I focused on opening the doors of my home to my community for the first time since my C-section. I had finally overcome what Fly Lady calls CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome)!

My living room -- with extra chairs for company. I do most of my reading in the chair with the quilt on the back. 

praise and worship with friends

precious guests

I recall one pleasant day in early August when I was out hiking in the sunshine with all my children and I suddenly felt so grateful my heart literally hurt. (Does that sound crazy? Have you ever felt that way?) It occurred to me that it was quite possibly the happiest moment of my life.

What happened next was not an earth-shattering tragedy, but it was an event that wounded my heart and made me feel very sad.

For a while it cast a cloud over my days.

I got my first heckler.

As I sat watching my kids playing in the yard, someone tossed a stream of jabbing text messages right into my lap.

The worst blows were hurled privately, but looking back I realized that my heckler's critical spirit had been present online for a quite a while -- even dating back to at comment she made on the blog I had before Classical Quest. Her periodic terse questions and general shortness was really steam from her rising disapproval of me. She was bound to eventually boil over. With hindsight I could see this clearly.

Being heckled knocked the breath out of me. It struck me deeply because it came -- not from a stranger -- but from a person whom I had long held in high esteem, a person I had tried to confide my struggles to.

I went "dark" for a few days to pray and sift through the criticism I had received. This experience became a turning point for my blog.

There were tears.

I don't believe I should forgo telling you about this part of my journey, but I will be discreet out of respect for my heckler, whom I still love. Dear readers, you need to know that if you choose to embark on a quest -- to live your life with intention -- you are bound to face opposition. Most likely your most unfair critic will emerge from those who think they know you well.

Through blogging I've revealed some of my goals and dreams. I've made myself vulnerable. I've taken a risk. This person, my heckler, was disgusted with what she saw when I cracked open the door and allowed her to peer in. She took it upon herself to scold me, not lovingly, but as a bully.

And friends, it's likely that some of your acquaintances will be disgusted with what they discover about you if you choose to bare your soul. We all live in a delusion about each other. We're excessively fond of perceiving others through the filtered lens of our own ideals. My heckler is not alone in this. I am often guilty of doing this to others too.

I emerged from my time offline with sober determination and a renewed vision. I realized that one of the things that my heckler said was true -- Classical Quest should be an extension of my whole self! I had been writing a lot about the product of my labor and very little about the process of laboring. I was making things seem effortless, when in reality a good bit of tears and sleepless nights were going into getting this quest off the ground.

I don't think my heckler meant to inspire me with a great idea which would boost my following! I think she would have been content to see me shut down. But after some soul searching I understood that if I stopped pursuing my quest I would be pushing God's hand away. I wasn't doing a bad thing. I was doing something I was made to do, something my family is proud of.

In this way my heckler became my helper.

Now, I won't go so far to say that no one in my family has ever been frustrated with me! Nor will I pretend that I have never dropped any balls because of getting up extra early to read and write! But yes, my family is proud of me. They show me this daily. My quest enriches all our lives.

A drawing my daughter made for me.

Two great things happened at the end of August:

Anne Bogel, a.k.a. The Modern Mrs. Darcy, recommend I read Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art, by Madeline L'Engle. ( I'm still reading it in small portions and soaking it up.)

Through the magic of Facebook I reconnected with my darling friend, Krista Bjorn, whom I haven't seen since I was in Moscow, Russia in 1994! Krista is a writer who lives on a beautiful farm in Australia. She has a lovely blog called Rambling Tart. She reentered my life like a beacon  at just the perfect time.

Krista's advice for me (which I took to heart):

" ...just be a beacon. It will draw some and repel others and both are OK.  Those who leave free us up to THRIVE with the kindred spirits who come along."

At the Kremlin in 1994 with friends I'm still in contact with today. I'm in the middle. Krista Bjorn is on the right near the grass.

Thank you for taking the time to read my reminiscences today. I would offer you a cyber cupcake but since it's already been licked, I'm sure you'd politely decline. Take care, friends. Please join me tomorrow for the final post of "Happy Birthday, Dear Bloggy!"

Finding Courage to Send My Kids Back to School

My son, who just turned six.

About the time I was finishing up my "Classics and the Bible Sundays" post on Friday, the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary occurred. The post is saved and I'll most likely put it up next Sunday.

But this morning, my mind is plagued with two pressing questions:

How am I going to find the composure to talk to my older kids about what happened?

How am I going to find the courage to put them on the school bus tomorrow morning?

Our family is relatively new to public school. About this time last year -- just before my fifth baby was born, we stopped homeschooling. I believe I can still clearly recall how I would have reacted to this event when I was a homeschooler: stunned and deeply saddened, but also, relieved that my kids were home with me and "safe".

But God is not calling me to a false sense of security; He is calling me to trust Him. Through this tragedy, I am now entering into a profound sense of empathy with other parents all over this nation.

We don't know what tomorrow holds.

Even still, we must reach forward with hope.

The following is a statement from Jimmy Greene, whose daughter, Ana Marquez-Greene,  was slain at Sandy Hook Elementary on Friday:

As we work through this nightmare, we’re reminded how much we’re loved and supported on this earth and by our Father in heaven. As much as she’s needed here and missed by her mother, brother and me, Ana beat us all to paradise. I love you sweetie girl.

Tomorrow morning I will hug my kids as I always do. I will say what I always say --

Go with God, children.

When the bus pulls up I will take my heart and place it on that big yellow bus. My children and I will wave to each other until we disappear from each other's sight.

And the only way I am going to be able to do it is through the love and support of my Father in heaven. Thank you, Jimmy Greene, for reminding me of this.

(Please take the time to click on his name and read the "Message" page, which was part of his professional website before this tragic event occurred.)

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."—         Philippians 4:13

The Greene Family. Ana is on the right. (via)

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

Much love to all,

Adriana